12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
