Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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