My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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