as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
