It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
