I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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