where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
