went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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