i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
