It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
