He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
