I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
