I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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