I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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