my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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