I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Is it penis luge time yet?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
