I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
