I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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