I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
