It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I have already put on my inside pants.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
