first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
