My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
