the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
