now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
