My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
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