i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
