someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
