Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
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