all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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