it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
