guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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