he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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