Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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