im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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