I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
