I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
