I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
