when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
