I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
