My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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