her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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