what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
