Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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