she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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