she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
