I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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