i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
