You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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