oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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