I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
