We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
