if you like me you must not know who I am
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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