4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
