that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
