i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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