just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
