my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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