So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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