so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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