wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
