before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
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I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
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iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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