I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
