Swine flu is the new snow day.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
